Parental Controls

I don’t beat my children.  Promise.

Meredith has her 1,259th booboo of the month.  After recovering from last week’s dance into the bookshelves at school, which toppled her over and left a bruise on her left cheek, she decided on Tuesday to chase Luie around the house by his tail and superhero-fly into the sidetable next to the couch.  This resulted in a lovely bruise that graces the entire length of her right eyebrow.  It’s gotten worse every day since.  Now she really does look like an MMA fighter.  It’s swollen so that the bottom of her eyebrow rests atop her upper eyelid.  This morning it was that royal shade of purple with a hint of puke green and yellow forming a ring around it.  Geez-Uz!

Let me size this up for a moment:

Meredith is 34 pounds.

July 2009 036

Luie is somewhere around 100 pounds.

July 2009 012

If my calculations are correct, this means the cintrifugal force of Luie’s tale swinging her round like a skiier on the back of a boat would slam her into the table at approximately a gazillion pounds per second.


When the tirade happened I was standing in the next room (the kitchen) with Chris who immediately made the “Why weren’t you watching her?” comment that inititated the “Eff you” comment from me.  So mature, I know.

I felt terrible.  I sat and comforted her and kissed her until the sobs gave way to a fixation on Yo Gabba Gabba (stick a fork in my neck, please.) and the tumble and subsequent shiner were forgotten.

I look at Madelynn now and remember when Meredith was that small and the most severe of booboos was a tiny scratch that formed after a swipe of her fingernail that I had not yet trimmed.  I will enjoy the serenity of infanthood more with my second than I did with my first.  Because I know what’s coming.

The padded walls are coming.

Whether they are in my house to prevent any further superhero mishaps or in the room that has been assigned to me because I lost my mind trying to keep my kids wrangled, the padded walls are coming.

Wrangling.  That’s what it feels like.  Like maybe I should invest in a horse and a lasso.  Jump off the horse and see how many seconds it would take to tie all four of their limbs together.

Right now if I want to keep the girls together, I just throw on a push-up bra.


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