The Miseducation of Meredith

I admit it.  I allow my daughter to watch TV.  Maybe a little too much TV.  Not enough to interfere with the upward bound of her intelligence, but enough to buy myself 5 minutes alone to make a phone call, check my email, take a shit, whatever.

As any parent, aunt, uncle or human being even remotely related to a toddler knows, if they like the TV show, it will become your life.  If you don’t fall into one of those categories, then enjoy MTV, Lifetime movies, Food Network and the 6 o’clock news while you can.

The following are brief synopses of just a few of the living room child educators that have probably been the driving influence in teaching my child to walk, talk, count to 10, say her ABCs, sing and breathe.  Oh, and speak in Chinese.

Obsession #1:  Blue’s Clues

Blueslogo

This is Blue.  I haven’t figured out whether the creators originally meant for her to be Pink or if she was supposed to be he.  In any case, she doesn’t speak but blurbs little puppy whines every now and then and can somehow “tell” Joe or Steve the answer to absolutely any question.  Because they’re……er……special.

Who is Steve, you ask?

steve

This is Steve.  Blue’s friend/owner/weird roommate.  He also has a Korean alterego:

korean steve

This is Steve in his spare time:

Steve_Burns-Photo1

Is that your green, striped shirt I detect under there?  Perhaps you’re not as bad-ass as you wish?  You do spend your days cavorting with an animated puppy, after all.

Rumor has it that Steve left the show due to a drug problem.

Lovely.

Joe was transitioned in to replace him.  Who is Joe, you ask?

BLUE'S CLUES

This is Joe, Mere’s favorite.  Every time he dances onto the screen she yells, “Look!  Ders JOE!”  Although I like Joe better than Steve, he makes this weird “o” face and scrunches up his eyebrows everytime he asks a question, like he’s really waiting to hear your answer.  Creepy.  But, whatever.

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Obsession #2 Ni Hao Kai Lan  (Nee-how-kie-lan)

Ni-Hao-Kai-Lan-Super-Special-Days

They’re SUPER!  All the time!  Just SUPER!  Really SUPER!  Did I mention SUPER?!  Cute and all, but one little problem.  Their Chinese word for “snow” sounds much like our English word for “poop”.  Which happens to be the one Chinese word that Meredith is fluent with.  Very fluent.  Whether it’s snowing or not.  SUPER snow!  Er…….poop?  Super Poop?

Lovely.

Mere also greets people randomly with, “Ni Hao!”  So smart, she is.  Other people, not so much.  They just look at her like she just climbed off the Starship Enterprise.  C’mon, Y’all!  Haven’t you ever been greeted in Chinese by a two-year-old American before?  Gawd!

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Obsession #3:  Yo Gabba Gabba

yogabba

*Disclaimer:  Too much Yo Gabba Gabba will result in the overwhelming urge to jam a fork in your neck.*

This MUST be the show to be on because celeb after celeb graces the guest spot.  Jack Black, The Shins, The Aggrolites, Cornelius, Biz Markie, Shiny Toy Guns, Supernova, Mark Mothersbaugh, Rahzel, The Postmarks, Sugarland, Tony Hawk, Low, Laila Ali, Elijah Wood, Mýa, The Salteens, Enon, The Clientele, Joy Zipper, Of Montreal, Mates of State, The Ting Tings.  I’m on to them, though.  They all have kids.  They have no choice.  If they want their children to know who they are, they have to appear on their favorite show.  That’s just how they roll.

They had Leslie Hall on one episode.  I hadn’t heard of her until that point.  Chris and I happened to be watching it with Mere when this woman came on.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have been rendered speechless.  And twitching.  A little.

I give you Leslie Hall:

Leslie Hall Yo Gabba Gabba

Yes, she’s really wearing that.  Let me allow you a different perspective:

Leslie Hall side

Notice the children in the background wearing matching pants.

Here!  A close-up!

leslie hall close up

!!!

I’ll let you soak that one in for a moment……………………………..

 

 

Better now?  Good!  Moving on…

 

 ****************************************************************************

Obsession #4:  Johnny and the Sprites

Johnny and the Sprites

This one is my second favorite.  Johnny’s kinda cute.  And kinda gay.  I checked.  My gaydar was going crazy, but I wanted to make sure.  I have a knack for dating guys that turn out to be gay.  Later on down the road.  Guess I bring it out in them……err……yeah.  But that’s another post.  And, just for the record, the one I married is straight.  As a board.  Straight.  Very straight.

(But, oh how I love my gay men!  Work it, Girl!)

 

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And last, but far from least:

 Obsession #5, my favorite, The Imagination Movers:imagination-movers

Smitty, Rich, Dave and Scott – I heart them.  A lot.  Even if I didn’t have kids, I’d watch them.  Just for that reason, they’re probably gay.  But they sure are funny!  They use imagination to solve situations!  Magnificent!  Spectacular concept!  Mere watches for the imagination.  I watch and use my imagination.  Hot, they are.  Especially Scott (orange glasses – xray glasses!) and Dave (orange hat atop adorable ringlets *sigh*)  They aren’t that smart, but I’m okay with that.

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I figure t.v. can’t hurt her.  Did I mention she speaks  Chinese?  Yes, television has inflitrated the mind of my two year old.  And *gasp* she’s smart!

(Ed. note:  In my husband’s defense, he is a self-professed genius, so maybe it’s in her genes.)

Stay tuned for the Miseducation of Madelynn.  As soon as she can cuss in Chinese, I’ll get right on it.

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3 responses to “The Miseducation of Meredith

  1. Yes well don’t all husbands think they are genius! My husband moonlights as a doctor, vet, mechanic, stock trader, fashionista, and just the all around know it all! As for Mere’s shows, what happened to The Smurfs, and The Jetsons, and The Snorkels-God I miss being young!

  2. With the exception of blues clues, I have no idea that the others existed. So that leaves me to ponder…. should my child be watching MORE tv? After all… he doesn’t know one word in Chinese. He’s still trying to get English down pat!!

  3. I wandered over here from a Google image search of the Imagination Movers (I have a 2-year-old so that’s OK), and am here to spread my nerdy inability to not share pointless facts I’ve picked up.

    1) The Imagination Movers aren’t gay, as you probably know by now since it’s been about a year since you posted this. All four are married, and three of them have kids. Mover Rich makes up for Mover Smitty’s kidlessness by having 5 of his own. And Mover Scott is also my favorite.

    2) Steve left Blue’s Clues because he didn’t want to only do a kids’ show for the rest of his career. No drugs. That’s a rumor from him being on both Law & Order and Homicide just before Blue’s Clues.

    I agree that Leslie Hall is unfortunate-looking, and am glad my kid is over Yo Gabba Gabba now that we’ve discovered Imagination Movers. But I prefer Steve to Joe, if only because I really think the writing went downhill when Steve left the show. How’s that for being an obsessive mommy?

    The first time we watched Yo Gabba Gabba, I asked my husband, “Is this what acid is like?”

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