Ring-a-ding-dong and Auld Lang Syne and all that stuff. Let’s get down to biz-niss.
I, The Great And Powerful Liz, shall hereby hand down this year’s list of Rezolewshuns, which may or may not be listed in order of importance.
- We (me) shall not give WalMart all our (my) money. We (me) shall redirect our (my) route straight to Grocery from Pet Supplies. Do not pass GO. Do not pass Sporting Goods. Do not pass Home Decor. Do not pass Toys. Do not pass Electronics. And please JESUS do not pass gas. (That last bit may be meant for an accompanying partycoughChriscough, as I prefer to keep my bodily functions for more private places.) (Like the parking lot.)
- Lose weight. And no quitting this time. Even though that’s what I said last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. I QUIT QUITTING!
- No babies. No discussion about babies. No hypothetically naming possible future babies who may or may not be a BOY.
- No cussing. Dammit.
- Thank You notes. Write them. Stamp them. Insert in mailbox. Lift flag. This is not rocket science, Self.
- Wrapping paper. As in paper used for wrapping. No more shortcuts which involve recycled gift bags and unwadded, rewadded up tissue paper that may slightly resemble the tissue paper that was included in a gift bag from your first-born’s baby shower. Three years ago. If Amy can magically wrap everything to look like Hallmark regurgitated it, then so can you. Five hundred strands of curly string included.
- Three words: Rotating Christmas Tree (Again, Amy’s fault. It was just so sparkly. And twinkly. And rotating.) (I may have stared at it for 5 minutes without blinking when nobody was looking.)
- Drink more water. Normal people’s bodies are, like, 85% water. Er, something close to that. I think. Mine is about 30% cheese and 65% coffee. The other 5% is powdered creamer and Splenda.
- Get a tattoo. (Yes, really.)
- A honeymoon. And not the kind you get when your husband’s pants slip below the beltline. I get those every day thankyouverymuch.
Here’s to an upgrade to Target, an elyptical with a built-in coffee maker, a reliable IUD, a book of stamps, a roll of “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” paper, a spinning tree stand, ink and buttcracks in Fiji.
Happy Oh-Ten, Y’all!