Look! I’m Alive!

Look, I know.  I KNOW!  Two months!  What sort of blogger goes TWO. WHOLE. MONTHS. without posting?

Me. Shut up.

I’ve been immersed in ‘portant things, thankyouverymuch, and I’ve been parenting and traveling to meetings and……okay I’ll stop now.  I KNOW.  There are no excuses.  NO. EXCUSES.  Yet I’m still sitting here trying to think of a good one.  So, to sum it all up………

My bad.


Let me just catch you up right quick:

I’ve been caking.  A lot.  I’ve been eating.  A lot.  I’ve been eating cake.  A lot.  I’ve gained back 85% of the weight I lost.  I’ve fallen off the wagon.  I’ve climbed back on the wagon.  I’ve traveled all over the great (and sickeningly HOT) state of North Carolina for various reasons, mainly meetings and cake deliveries and dog shows.  And melting points.

Did I mention it’s effing hot?!  The highest heat index in this frigid state was 114 degrees.


Doesn’t that just make you want to go freeze your bra?  They did a news report the night before last where they quite literally FRIED an EGG on the DASH of a CAR.  Poor egg.  It went from sunny side up to sunny side wilted in about 30 seconds.  And then I sat there wondering if somebody actually ATE that egg.  Cuz eww.  And then the news report went on to say that this is an El Nino year.  (I know there should be a little squiggly line above the “n” in “El Nino” but I’m not that good.)  Something about the cold stream doesn’t get pushed down far enough on every tenth year blah blah blah I’m moving to Antarctica.


In other news, AMY HAD HER BABY!!!!!!!!!

Preston Wallace, aka Peanut aka P-Diddy made his grand entrance on June 28th and is just so full of cuteness he could poop cute right on out.  And he’s tiny!  So tiny, in fact, that I’m willing to bet that my little porkers weighed the same as Peanut when they were in their 32nd week of gestation.  He’s not a preemie or anything, I just have hugongous children.  Maybe due to the cheeseburger consumption, I dunno.  ANYWHO, I’m totally in love with my new little man and I want to suck his cheeks off.  Congratulations, Amy and Eddie!


So I hired a new Receptionist and I Love Her.  She’s so………..on top of things.  Girl is like Martha Stewart.  She’s my Mawm’s dream.  She organizes!  And labels!  And plans ahead!  Our company Christmas Cards?  Being addressed AS WE SPEAK.  And she’s pleasant!  And perky!  And glad to be alive!

After the last one, it’s quite refreshing.  And contagious.  Not the same kind of contagious as the last one, though.  Ya know, the stab-me-with-a-fork-and-peel-off-my-toenails kind of contagious.  Not that at all.  She’s more like a can-I-get-you-a-fork-and-paint-your-toenails kind of contagious.


So I missed my last chance to audition for American Idol.  Cuz after this season?  I’m TOO OLD.  This, my friends, will be the first time anybody has told me I’m too old for anything.  Except for, ya know, that time they politely asked me to climb out of the playground tunnels at Chuck E. Cheeze.  So the Nashville dates have passed and I’m not really willing to drive cross-country so that a new and unknown British highandmighty can tell me that my friends and family have been lying to me all these years and why did I waste my gas?  And I’m okay with that.  I will continue to sing to my children and my shower nozzle and my steering wheel and all 600 people at The Longbranch after three Espresso Martinis, six Bud Lights, one Lemon Drop and two Boobie Shooters.  And life goes on.


And now, the BEST for LAST.

Meredith is POTTY TRAINED!

It only took………………..a year!  Though she still won’t go #2 in the potty cuz ewww.  She just politely brings me a pull-up with the clear, yet unspoken assumption that I-need-this-ask-no-questions-just-help-me-get-a-leg-in.  When she’s finished, I get “The Look” and all is right with the world.  Hellooooooo, Tinkerbell panties.


So that should catch you up and now I will promise to post more often only FOR REAL THIS TIME and thanks for hanging in there! You’re the best!


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